CHRISTINA

 I met Christina 22 years ago in the 8th grade. I had just moved to California from Ohio and we were introduced by my first friend in California. She was pretty and chill, a winning combination, and my feelings developed for her during the next couple of years. I managed to meet up with her at the movie theatre while she was movie hopping with a friend in order to watch The Ring together in the 10th grade. We made out for the entire movie. Afterwards, I suggested going to a spot overlooking the city. I tried to get to second base but she became uncomfortable and asked to be taken home. She somehow forgave me later in the year and we ended up smoking weed in my car. Again we started making out, but this time I whipped out my dick. Suffice to say, she asked to be taken home again. Five years go by, I am finishing college and we reconnect. I have just graduated and I am feeling on top of the world, completing my first ever Ramadan and then celebrating it by dropping acid laced with mescaline. We had hung out a few times by this point, her coming over for a hike then eating dates with tea in the backyard overlooking the lake, and also a doggy date with our yellow and black labradors. During my trip I began to believe that I was going to ascend to another dimension with Christina as my queen. I distinctly remember my phone dying while texting her, and interpreting the symbol on the phone to charge my phone as a message to go home where Christina would be waiting for me. I open the door to the house but it was my dad answering to my chagrin. I began running around trying to irrationally rationalize why she was not there until I ended up on my first 5150 with a bipolar diagnosis. When I got out, I tried to explain this all to Christina, which most likely scared her. She would not hang out with me anymore at this time, but we stayed in touch online as I journeyed to Japan. When I came back to California before leaving for Vietnam, she told me she had moved in with her boyfriend since 16 years old. I made it a point that I would find love elsewhere, but because we had never actually been together or broken up, I unknowingly left a piece of my heart with her. When I found love in Vietnam, Christina was one of the first to support my unorthodox relationship. She Skyped with me as I fought my way through a manic episode in Vietnam while my wife and daughter were asleep. She informed me of her postpartum depression and lack of care from her husband. Although she was diagnosed with depression, her husband’s family did not believe in mental health services and discouraged her use of them. Christina was able to pull through on her own, and I also had a baby later the same year as hers. My daughter was feeding her son snacks when they met at 2 years old after we moved to California. Things were going well, we would go months without talking, then check in and update each other on our lives in different orbits. I found out about her suicide 2 months after the fact. I had texted her asking to catch up 4 days before her death. Left on read. Self inflicted gunshot to the head.

Christina’s Ballad

We met in the 8th grade

Though I couldn’t be saved.

Like an Angel straight from heaven

January 2nd, 1987

We reconnected, but I’m going crazy.

I scared you a bit, that i can see.

I wonder, should I leave you alone

And find a woman of my own?

 

Still keeping in touch

Not meeting too much

Sending my wife flowers, calling me in the psych ward,

Early morning powers, you’re always feeling the Lord.

It’s a mental health issue,

I told you I would miss you.

Guns all around, the kids can see

Their beautiful mother be

Arms crossed, blinds closed,

Pacing back and forth.

Gun in hand

bang.